This probably my first blog in 20 years. What a time it has been. I wouldn't say it is the best chapter of my life but probably the most challenging. The realness of adulthood has finally settled in. The realness of conflict, anxiety, fear has finally kicked into full gear. The blissful view of young adulthood seem to have fizzled its way to a chapter much tougher than I have ever imagined.

We are also in the middle of a pandemic, which makes matters even worse. It makes our pre-existing anxieties and fears to grow even deeper. It is as if the practice of calming the mind and body, if you haven't practiced that prior, can come crashing down right at your feet if you left that in the back burner.

For the first time in my life, I'm learning the realness of mental health. Particularly on Depression and Anxiety. Never have I really thought about how powerful the mind is and how it effects your day to day life. For many people, our usual routines have been interrupted, our usual interactions with people has halted. We are all fearing in different ways.

If I can travel back in time, I would have told myself the importance of keeping up with self-care. I think I have been stressed for the past decade. I have been looking after and caring for everyone else that I have often neglected myself. I focused on everything that I needed to do like a checklist.

I feel like I need more grace in my life now more than I ever. You reach a certain point in life where you reach a certain maturity and see a big picture. You looked at the paths you walked on, the people and circumstances along the way and realized many times we have been ignorant because we haven't quite experienced it for ourselves yet.

When as a young adult you are free flowing without much care but as middle age comes in, it gets heavy. Life begins to fill itself with 'what ifs' and 'how woulds'. The stakes feels higher.

I tried finding fulfillment in my job but that failed miserably. My desire is to have a simple life working and caring for my family. Just like my parents did and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

My worklife wasn't the healthiest of places, it had low morale and wasn't a great place for personal growth, but I hang in there because of stability and the way it provides. But sometimes I wonder if that choice had stumped my personal growth and confidence.

The biggest challenge is what if something happens that disrupts that dream? That dream of living that simple life? A trauma? An illness? Those real challenges that we never planned along the way.

I feel as society grows we are becoming more and more disconnected. I used to be part of a close-knit and buzzing community. Because of circumstances and moving far away, we had to make a disconnection and that is one of the hardest things I still struggle with until this day. We tried connecting again in other places but it just wasn't quite the same. I'm used to having to adjust to new environments but if the team doesn't feel like we're on the same page than what must one do?

I'm struggling to find normalcy in my life right now, the lost of routine has effected me greatly. The effects of depression and anxiety is all too real. Hoping for opportunities of normalcy and transformation during this pandemic is so important. Looking for the Grace that I need from Above to overcome these challenges. Community is important, friendships are important, family is important.